barely alive, we will struggle to survive

Axe, Sunny, and America. Everyday things for everyday people.





I love love love this drawing. Done by my friend Ursula at dearstranger.net. Check out some of her stuff, its very good.

helpless

Colors of the world are bright even as our souls dim.

It wasn't a comical laugh; it was an awkward, I don't know what to do or say type laugh.
He said "it's not funny" in a soft tone filled with subtle vibrato. I knew it wasn't funny; it was scarier than anything else I had seen.
He had poured his soda into his soup bowl.
Later that day we talked about growing up and how it happens so quickly. He stated "it's not easy getting old. . .it's really not". His eyes were raised at a 45 degree angle as he spoke and after he finished he looked to me slowly. Our eyes met and a strange feeling overcame my body. Goosebumps rose on my neck and arms and my mind raced. It was like I was talking to my future. And I knew exactly what he was talking about.

Slowly losing the ability to remember the past. It's even more than that though. . . it's losing the ability to function. It's struggling to try and be who you once were and knowing that you are going to fail. Losing your memory and ability to function is a one way street and you know it when it comes. There is no hope. . .things won't get better and there isn't anything more depressing than that.
This is the next few years of my life and how Alzheimers will effect my family.


One of the things I wish I had most right now is someone who has history with me. I have a great set of friends and people who honestly care about me and want to see me happy. People i trust. For the most part they are relatively new to my life and with that there is a problem. It's the lack and void of history that causes me to feel alone sometimes. Someone who knows your thoughts, stories, and fears about a situation. Just someone who is there and can better understand all the emotions and thoughts that run through your mind. That history is comforting.
But this is just me whining and dreaming. I know I have so much to be grateful for and that's what my focus should be on.
How far can our dreams carry us and how much will we let friendships, relationships, and family keep our legs still?

Rough cut by EJB & JDB
Wagon Wheel Cover

1..2..3..Doing what's best for me

The tree that I often escaped to as a child. I can never forget the past.

This morning I woke up. My eyes were as wide as dinner plates. I laid there and romantically listened to Chicago by Sufjan Stevens again. Alternating visions of the pain I have known and the dreams I have ran through my mind. I realize how many mistakes I have made and apologize for all of them. I have hurt people and held people back from doing great things. I'm not proud of much of my life, but I working on it. Deep down I know that my dreams will carry me throughout life. I have always been a dreamer and always will be. I have helped a lot of people and think I am someone who has a gift for relating to any and everyone. But above all, I am still learning to love and appreciate.

As we grow, we gain knowledge. I learned that you have to look out for yourself before you look out for other people. I've done this the past 6 months and have seen many benefits from it, but with those benefits has come a huge sense of guilt. I have covered my guilt up with helping more people. I reach out to those around me that I see may need help. Complete strangers, old friends, and family members have all been my targets. It is not a perfect system, but it is what gets me by right now.



Chicago
Listening to this song
It makes me wonder where your heart is
Why aren't your hands on my chest as the sun rises
Do you ever think about me when you are with him

I am left with memories of waking up to your heart beating loud
The steady beat of someone so optimistic about this dirty world we live in
You were the only person I knew who would lose sleep over my feelings
I miss those dreams I had
I miss that

It has not been 21 weeks

A serious face. On the inside the smiles and laughs are bubbling.

The end of another chapter is upon us. Sunday was my last day of employment at the Home Depot, store #3036.
As I reflect on my time there, my mind immediately brings up images of all the great people I have met there. Where would I be without those people? I don't know, but I can't think of anywhere else I would have wanted to be. I was taught so much and was able to pass on so much to others. In "the real world" can be anything like Home Depot and the people I met there, then I welcome it with open arms.
I'll miss those 5am faces of mine, the smell of lumber and concrete, and the sense of community I felt. Thanks for all the memories.
[insert Cheers theme song here]

I'm not in the mood to pussyfoot around much tonight. In the nicest way possible, I would like for you to leave me alone. At least for a while. I've never been better and I'm done taking chances by giving people the opportunity to bring me down. If you need to contact me for any reason, please see one of my associates.

I was driving through the city with the worst possible highway interchange the other day and I thought of you. I wanted to call, but I don't even know your situation right now. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I just wanted to tell you thank you for all the help you gave me and I hope that you are finding happiness. I don't want to interfere in your life now because I fear that I could mess something up. Know that I will always be there for you if you ever need me.

People's Hospital here we come.

cuts on my hand

Take away these chains from me.

The past two nights I have stayed up preparing myself. Night 1 was a tactical and logical night of preparation. Night 2 was filled with what if's and laughing with good friends about what could happen in the future. I'm excited for everything, all the while I know stress is going to be a constant for the next 4 months. Once I step onto that dinghy my mind and heart will be settled. This is the first time in a long time I am looking forward to being a greenhorn.
Time has wings and the sun rises and sets faster than we realize. I realize this, but its still so hard to wrap your mind around.
As I walked through campus today collecting signatures I felt like I was the only person with a pulse. The people around me were nothing but zombies. Maybe they are all in a coma because of this dreary wet weather, but I doubt it. The truth is, I don't belong here and never have. I made the most out of my situation and I leave a happy man.

I've got the itch for another tattoo. I'm thinking a variation of this.

Drifting at sea

You and I ended up in the same boat. Spending our days drifting at sea, searching for a way to survive. We need so much and the world offers so much, yet we cannot seem to find what we need. Once again the conflicting desires in life are present. Comfort and love are very valuable to our minds, yet our legs are restless for adventure. Sadly, it seems that these feelings cannot be met without guilt and the occasion embarrassment.
So where exactly does this ship take us? I can only speak for myself when I say that my desired destination is a sliver of dry land where I can enjoy the sunshine. How long will it take me to escape the sea? That can't be accuately determined, but I'll know when I see dry land. Until then I'll do my best to satisfy both hungers while keeping my mind, legs, and soul satisfied just enough to fall asleep at night. When you and I both arrive at our destinations we can pick up the phone and find out how we got there, but until we drift.

On the road again

I know two real dreamers. One lives in my mirror, the other lives on Jefferson.

we used to lie in my bed
dreaming about all the wondrous things this world had to offer
surfan's chicago was the theme song to our minds' adventures
climbing mount everest
to make people smile
to make people yearn to live
to make the world a better place.

now we lie to ourselves everyday
trying to survive despite a deficiency of love
we have replaced our dreams with schemes
trying to gather money
and find a way back to that happy place we once shared
listening to a radio that plays music that we can't connect to,
our life soundtrack seems as lost as our hearts and minds.

well i fell in love again
for the 10th time this year
i had a dream last night
and now im in love with dreaming
day-dreaming?
night-dreaming?
life-dreaming?
all of it.

i see the pain in peoples' faces
i wish they could be as high on dreams as i get
i've made people cry
they've made me cry
mistakes have been made
but all that doesn't matter anymore
because when it comes down to do or die,
i will always choose dreaming.
always

Following a trail of blood

A world of fear and pain can only be erased so many ways.


Endangered Species
that's what you and i are.
we are last of a dying breed. the fire and passion in our eyes is unmatched. our lives are a beautiful form of art that is as rare as a four-leaf clover.
we may be tiny specks from high above earth, but your structure of cells is beautiful to me.
lets never die and live forever
because once we are gone, there will never be two people quite like us

Flashbacks and Fabric Refresher

A homegrown pumpkin carved by homegrown hands.

Turn the page to a brand new chapter.
I always want to know what is in store before I begin something, but once again I go into a new chapter blindly. I'm sure it is better this way, but my nervousness is showing. No fear.

I balance myself on my elbows. Legs extended straight up into the air as my voice recites the prayers that were ingrained in me as a small child. I need all the help I can get and am doing something that my dreams have shown me. I follow the only path that has ever been cut for me.
I still see glimpses of that small, fragile, curly haired boy when I look in the mirror. Inside I still feel the same. Tiny Joshua in a blue vest, covered with awards for memorizing bible verses. That's the mental picture I see of myself. When will I grow up and see what other people see in me? I'm taking my growing up pills, but they don't appear to be working. But hope. Hope is with me more than ever.