A Long December

Senior year of high school I took a sharpie and wrote JONAS all throughout the school. My targets included the undersides of tables, desks, concrete poles, walls, and just about anything I could get away with. On a return to the school, I found that many had been scrubbed away. While a great deal were gone, I still found some. So while people and institutions tore down much of my efforts, some survived.
I left my mark. Not that I am proud of that, but I do not regret. I think it shows that my will to be remembered is deep-rooted. So as 2010 approaches, I again want to leave my mark. Not with a sharpie marker this time, but something much more permanent and positive. Life is short and we have to make that mark or change while we are here.

"If you aren't ahead of the curve, you are behind it."

I'm feeling a bit behind lately. It has been a rough few weeks and I am ready for the calendar to flip. But 2009 has been a very different year in my life. On this last day of the year I am very thankful for all the stuff that has happened. The mistakes were made and chances were taken. Lots of positives and growth occurred throughout the year. 2009 will always live in my memory for a number of reasons. So whether you were part of short-term friendships/relationships, or part of the long-term friendships/relationships, I want to thank you. People make the difference; not in Kirksville, but in my life.

Goodbye 2009, thanks for the memories.

One Year

Anniversary! It's now been one year since I've been best friends L.A.W. dawg. I am fortunate to have met someone so cool. From puzzles, driving, dancing, blocking, Terry, breaking into houses, Iowa trips, and so much more. Good times of the past and many more of the future.

The Noisettes. Know them? You should.
Never Forget You
Wild Young Hearts
Don't Give Up

My feet dance

Dear 11am, Thank you.

The rain drizzles down upon my head. A familiar feeling is present on my skin and in my mind. I think about all the sad days in my life, and I always remember there being rain. With that in mind, Saint Louis must equal sadness? Let’s hope not. All I have to do is survive at home for two months. Maybe the longest two months of my life? ...I do not miss the suburbs. These people...
I have the major-dog, E-rock, racquetball games, and swimming. Can those things keep me sane for two months? Only time will tell. Exploration of environment, music, and self must also help in my struggle for sanity. They say only the curious have something to find. I am definitely curious and I am looking for something.

Hopefully this works out.

Blackjack 2, you are a source of frustration to me for multiple reasons. I learn each day the meaning of patience, but hope is always in my mind and on my lips. It is the wrong holiday, but I am thankful.
For that and so much more I am thankful. My car, contacts, phone, ipod, and my motivation have been broken in the past week. These unreliable items come and go. Without them I learn what truly matters to me. I keep staring at the stars late at night. Looking up into the mirror, I get jealous of the moon. Especially on rainy days.


Truman State verses the White Honda


i'm that kid who rarely comes
and when i do,
i sit in the back
its not because im scared to voice my opinion
or that i dont have one
its because i realize what this is.
nothing but a game of persistence
to push onward without thought
you get those grades because you are weak
because you can repeat what they want you to think
me?
i can't lie to myself like that

i learn from the time spent alone,
my legs and wheels take me to new places
to see new beauty that you have never seen before
nor will you ever see
you live inside your books and tv
studying long nights at pickler
while i spend long nights exploring the world around me
i second guess everything i hear
only believing in what i see
so judge me if you like,
because it does not bother me

what the . . ., youve gotta be kidding
have you read the words that these books are spitting
hell, have you even read your own
i'll give you a bone, you need one to be thrown
you need to reread your music
ask a friend to proofread before you use it
so here is my poetic toast
to all those poets with one stanza to boast
if infact its coming from your life and your lips
and you are not hiding behind rhyming words like a total lunar eclipse,
then thank you for your honesty
its helping with my first poetry slam anxiety

now i can stand up here
throwing down words
like your friends down a beer
but spitting and rhyming
giving you what you want to hear
thats not who i am
and im actually tired of this now
so im gonna go and hope you live a happy life somehow


Merry Christmas to all

The Dark Side of the Earth

Lately, every time I look at my clock it is 2:18. What this means? I'm not sure. What I take it as: now is my time to shine, build, and make something beautiful. No stopping me now. Scared? Yes. Happy? Yes.
I've felt like that halfway screwed in lightbulb the past number of years. Now? Its due or die time. Time to screw myself all the way in and light up the world. This phase of my life is over and I'm ready to go on a path of determination, success, and fun.
For some reason that conversation in Arby's really has been on my mind recently. How random is that?
I'm through with getting slapped in the face. He's taking control of the course of his life.
And I promise a poem for next entry.


Fine Arts List for December:
Songs.
Immortal Technique - Point of No Return
Mates of State - These Days
The Velvet Underground - Stephanie Says
Punch Brothers - Brakeman's Blues (January 13th!)
Punch Brothers - Wayside (new theme song?)
Jay Z - Empire State of Mind
M.I.A. - Sunshowers
John Lennon - Rave On
Stray Cats - Stray Cat Strut
and something a bit different for me and discovered tonight:
Eric Whitacre - Sleep


Albums.
Immortal Technique - Revolutionary Vol. 2
Regina Spektor - Far
The Noisettes - Wild Young Hearts

Films.
Boutonniere
The Wrestler

Future Books.
We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch.
Doc Holliday: A Family Portrait by Karen Tanner

Hello birthday present: The Korg Kaossilator.

Expectations

The struggle is going to come in all shapes and sizes.


The breeze is her breath. The memory of 1,000's of hours of time spent together. It reminds me of my mistakes, of my joys, and of my fears. It blows behind my ears and throughout my curly hair. The feeling of freedom is painful, but my heart knows it is what I need.
I am not the hope for humanity. I'm just a boy living in the world who is trying to be himself. I feel pressure from many different sides and often I cannot hold up the many different expectations.
If you feel I dislike you, have betrayed you, or have neglected you, then I apologize. I have to look out for myself. That is one thing I have learned the past year: look out for myself above all others. But that doesn't mean for a second that I don't care. If you were ever close to me or even semi-friends with me, it was for a reason. Ask anyone who really knows me; I am picky.

off limits

Eyes on the prize.


Feeling awfully alone as I lay down my head and drift to sleep. I'm trying to forget that each and everyday is just one step closer to death. Truth is I cant forget. Time is taunting me as it shows me every fault I have, each mistake I've made, and how terrible the next year of my life could be. Could be is such the negative way to look at things, but really I feel ground low at the moment. Too emotional is something I would probably describe myself as. With that I should stop with this thought.

I'm at that stage right now where I am so honest, it becomes a bit scary. I normally hold back what I think about people. I started writing paragraphs about people and what I think about them and what type of people they are. I keep that close to my heart, but right now I just have become an open book. When you heart gets tapped to open up, somehow those other things flow more freely as well.

why would you ever want that to be about you? it's not a positive thing.

Not so bubbly
لقد ذاقت ، والحب حتى تذوق الحلو
وكان من أنها فقدت كل يوم لي
أزرار تباع مثل الملكية
السكر على لساني

ظللت السقوط
ظللت تنظر إلى الوراء
ذهبت كسرت الاعتقاد
بهذه البساطة وينبغي أن يكون من الصعب

ونحن جميعا نشعر
ونحن جميعا نشعر
وكل يوم هو بداية لشيء جميل

يضيع ، يضيع الحب لك
المتداولة خارج عن شيء جديد
كذلك ، فإنه من الصعب تغيير الطريقة التي تخسر
إذا كنت تعتقد بأنك لم يفز

لأن جميع ونحن نشعر
ونحن جميعا نشعر
وكل يوم هو بداية لشيء جميل

وفي نهاية الكلمات لن يهم
لأنه في النهاية لا شيء يبقى على حاله
و في النهاية مجرد أحلام التشرذم وتسقط كالمطر

لأن جميع ونحن نشعر
ونحن جميعا نشعر
وكل يوم هو بداية لشيء جميل ، شيء حقيقي

ونحن جميعا نشعر
ونحن جميعا نشعر

a plethora

The camera on loan, so relics of the past come to life. Tap the Photobank and see what comes out.


a cough to my core
a thought in my brain,
these are times
that can make a man insane.

karaoke living rooms
skin to skin
study eye movement
never knowing when to say when

A matter of minutes can change so much. Our minds really can never know what is around the corner; it will always be a surprise. Snow settles on the sleeping town of Kirksville as another night drifts into morning. My childhood optimism shines bright in the back of my mind. never give up. i will never give up.


Three Legged Legs

i am the tree

A stable collection of worldly views. Caution must be taken.

Sometimes life throws you curve balls just to see how you react. Do your knees buckle? Do your palms get sweaty? We never know exactly how we will react until we are put in these situations. Predictions are just that: predictions. No matter the current circumstance, I feel happy.
The different faucets of life can become overwhelming when they all require attention each day. I am struggling with this juggling act. As I wade on into the future, the waves crash into my legs. Like that little train that could, I know I can make it if i just keep pushing.
Joshua, Jonas, Fernando, and Sigourney are all characters that have appeared in the play. Together they form the collective understanding of Enola. Some of these characters are dead and gone, while others still make appearances in Enola. Memories and scars never go away.

Tonight I think about the two flower bushes in front of my old home. Every September the flowers would bloom and honeybees, bumble bees, moths, and butterflies would gather on the these plants. I would easily catch the months and throw them up in the air. The butterflies were too pretty to bother; instead I would stand back and watch as they danced in the air. The bumble bees were the slow, but scary visitor. Rarely did I decide to directly mess with them. But the honeybees were just what the doctor ordered. I was stung a number of time, but the pain was very tolerable.
After school I would often run up and kick these bushes and run away as fast as I could. Standing a safe distance away, I would observe the chaos of the creatures on the bushes. It was a rush of adrenaline to play with something that could hurt so bad.

Familia bora Ningeweza unaotarajiwa. i kutumika shaka wewe, lakini mimi daima appreciated wewe. Asante sana kwa kuwa rafiki bora milele mtu yeyote imekuwa kwa ajili yangu. Mengi kwa upendo.

እርሰዎ አስፈ እኔን ግን እኔ ገና ትምምን እርሰዎ.

4:45am

Sometimes in life you lean back in your bed and just wonder "why me?" It seems as though my life would have been better knowing that she never existed than knowing that she's out there, but she can't hear you. Running with a concrete wall never gets you very far; yet it can frustrate you beyond words.
It seems so foreign right now, but I know I have been hurt before. I know that there have been times when I have been myself and not had 1 soul believe me. But it seems like those previous times still can't prepare you for the next time. I'm smart enough to know that each time you are hurt is going to feel like the worst time, at least for a little bit, but it's the actual mental process that won't compute it all.
Maybe it was because I seemed exactly what you were looking for. Maybe its because you have been hurt too many times in the past to let anyone get close to you. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. No matter what, my fingers are crossed.
I was being honest. That's my written promise.

Comfort music:
Nickel Creek - This Side