The rain falls on a new life

Sitting on a bench allows you to observe the world go by. It is as close to reality as some of us will ever get.

A new way of life and another new address. The first day of any change seems to always bring out the rain. Not that I'm sad; honestly I am excited, but there is that déjà vu feeling within my soul. Things are not flowing in my head quite as smooth as I want them to. DW-40 in the form of some type of therapy needs to occur soon. I'm motivated, I'm excited, I'm supported, but I have a hard time falling asleep at night.
I really dislike trying to fall asleep at night.

new

A great family and great friends. I'll miss you David.

On the way there you try and turn off your mind. Not because you are scared of what you might find out; because it is just easier to go into something you are scared of blind.
When you get there your nerves get the best of you and your true self struggles to escape.
On the way home you replay every moment and retrace every step made. This is the worst part. You kick your own ass for not doing things like you wished you had. It seems so much easier when you are not in the moment.

Expectations v. Reality

The reality is that more times than not you get hurt when you put yourself out there. With that said, the only people who are happy in life have no problem putting themselves out there. Pain and rejection are the name of the game and how well you can get past that will often tell you how well you will do in life.


I am about to really hurt your feelings.
You really hurt my feelings and I hold grudges.
I don't know what I am going to do about you.
I wish you would call me back.
I hope you don't really think we are still friends after all that.
I miss you.
I hope you don't move away on me.
I prayed for you to open up to me and give me a chance.
I miss writing to you.

I am sorry you died.

Inspiration. You never know who is watching you from afar.

Her head turns quickly towards me when she feels my presence. She looks directly into my eyes with out hesitation and like a robot says "I love you Joshua".
RED FLAG
I can hear something deep inside me screaming that this does not feel right. She must be lying to me. I know it. The first three syllables that spew from her lips are said so perfectly that they do nothing but offer a false sense of security, and only that lasts for a short time. After thinking about the exchange, I feel very contemplative and depressed.
I don't let just anyone know me. I am very protective of my true identity and personality. While I have great friends now, I don't feel as if anyone truly knows me right now. Part of it has to do with my mental macho factor that says I can do anything and that I don't ever need help. Part of it is the fact that I desire to be so mysterious. The biggest reason for the lack of people truly knowing me is trust. I am having a hard time trust people after so many people have hurt me, went behind my back, lied, and abandoned me.
I always move on. I always gain something from the hard times. This situation isn't any different.

3000 miles

"Its not about being able to sing or not; its about how hard you try." - Ocean City, Maryland

At 5:40am the rabbits wait to make love. They sit in every front yard looking at each other, waiting for movement; waiting for the chance. The birds chase the squirrels and sing beautiful songs about happy times. The sunrise illuminates my world with its beauty. I come home and lie in bed, unable to fall sleep. I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling as I wonder about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Life

An empty ride can still be colorful.

Sitting on my parents' front porch watching the storm approach while I drink strawberry Fanta.
Knowing tonight I get to see an old friend and get a hug.
Knowing that tonight I get to celebrate with my best friend who escaped that job and will be moving on to a better place.
Knowing that my grandpa will be relieved more than sad knowing that his brother is about to pass away and be taken away from the pain he has been in.
I have so much to look forward to and so much to be thankful for.
Now if I could just kick this nasty sunburn.

Just in time for my white horse

Writing your will is something that felt different than I thought it would. Tonight I feel like I am dying, and there seemed no better time than now to get it out of the way.
All the symptoms of lyme disease, but it can't be. My organs feel like they are failing. My eyes and glands are swollen and throbbing. Fevers leave me with shivers under the covers and the taste of orange juice on my breath.
If my health ever returns I will set out on an epic journey across the country on my white horse. Who will I see? Who will I meet? What will I learn?
Keep your dreams alive. I am a dreamer and you saw a beauty in that. I hope you never have to settle for less than your dreams. The power you have can take wherever your heart desires.

How are you killing yourself?

A reflection of myself. I live life, I am free, and I am pursuing happiness.

I am killing myself. Maybe not in the sense you may be thinking, but I am. Aren't we all killing ourselves?
You smoke.
You lie.
You eat.
You worry.
You may not have even been born yet.
The march of our feet is leading us towards death and I wonder if all these material possessions in life aren't just self-therapy to try and keep our minds at ease.
This all may sound sad but I can see this unique quality of beauty in it all. If you can treasure those moments where you are doing more living than dying, then why does it have to be sad?
To be honest the last time I felt like I was living was when I was swinging in a hammock thinking about all this dying and living.

I really hope that one day something triggers you to find yourself and be born. Living in other peoples' shoes is no way to live. When you find yourself maybe your soul will finally feel happy. Maybe you finally won't have to rely on others' smiles to make you feel alright. Maybe you will have your own dreams and aspirations. Maybe.

Living off bread and rainwater

The people of Kirksville Missouri never cease to amaze me.

Two ceiling fans spin at different speeds. The direction they are traveling is the same, but the time it takes them to get there will surely be different. When you set your mind to something it will happen. Somehow, someway. I try to avoid asking questions and wondering why this and why that. Go with the flow and live life with no regrets.
I'm so fast.
I'm so slow.
You're change will come.
When it does, I hope I know.