Turn out the lights

Dream:
I was sitting in the front room at my parents house late at night. I saw a late 80's model white Honda pull up outside and around 7 people got out of the car. The car was plastered with bumper stickers. They all seemed to be about 13-15 in age and they all had paintball guns. Next thing you know they are unleashing paintball hell on the house across the street from my parents' place. Windows break and at this point I grab my phone and call 911....but my phone doesn't ring. I look down and notice I called 611. I then proceed to call 911 for real and the lady says there isn't anything they can do after I frantically explain what is taking place. At this point the kids are getting in the car and driving away. The residents come out side and start crying. I remember wanting to go comfort them, but for some reason I couldn't. And then I just remember staying up all night and knowing that they were staying awake the rest of the night to guard their home.

Anniversary

Skipping through life with a smile; the way it should be.

Time is a funny thing.
Two years? That's it? It seems like forever since I have known L. I am forever grateful for the fun we have had and the friendship we have made. Sometimes I feel like people don't even have a friendship to compare to ours.
I got parole early and when I got out I found an awesome person that I could connect with. My life quickly changed. One moment I was suffocated, oppressed, and demoralized....the next I was out to explore the world and do anything I set my heart to. I had nearly forgotten what having fun was like. We then got drunk on it.
This is a post of happiness, appreciation, and celebration. I cannot imagine how different my life would be...
Thanks to L; a life-long friend.
Cheers

A White Christmas

December 24th and snow is in the air. A time once again to be thankful for all I have. Great friends, family, girlfriend, and opportunity; it all adds up to a very fortunate boy named Joshua.

The gifts and material possessions are nice, sure, but it is the stuff you cannot buy that is so valuable.

Cheers

Fruit Flies v. Butterflies

Flying in circles gets you nowhere. But getting dizzy feels fun....



This holiday season I have a destination. Like the great Monarch butterfly migration, I have surrounded myself with people I can depend on.
When times are tough, we will help each other. When times are joyous, we will be there to help each other celebrate. We are there for each other no matter the occasion.

So as I travel this holiday season and notice all the fruit flies that populate this world, I am thankful for my destination. I have had the will power to pull myself away from the intoxicating taste of circles, and embrace the more challenging, but rewarding straight lines. Cheers.

Two hot for America

A passport is primed. A suitcase is being stretched out. Work boots are being shipped. Flashlights, ponchos, and battery operated alarm clocks are on the wish lists for Christmas.







Who let the Americans out?
wwoof wwoof

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make the horse drink.

Rebel Rouser

Tonight the oil will burn all night long. No ghosts singing, just the wind singing it's song.

I've got a fire burning in my heart. They can steal, break, and try to demoralize things that matter, but it won't stop me. I have good friends who talk sense into me when I need it and for that I am greatful.
Although I may not trust you as much, I have grown and will learn from life. I have responsibilities and I must learn to make the most of the time I have. I will one day expire and I already have too many regrets. I cant' afford to regret much else.

Tell it to me. Tell it to me quietly. Tell it to me as loud as you can. Slowly. Quickly. Just say it.
You know I'll be here to catch anything that falls my way. Autumn may be leaving, but it isn't gone just yet.

Johnny Cash God's Gonna Cut You Down - Celebrity bloopers here

Sleep evades me like a mystic sunset i can never taste.
a bright orange orb that tantalizes me with it's delicious appearence.
why can i not sleep? why can i not devour the sun?

i do not know.

A Face to Forget

One day this face will not know who he is, where he is, or have any memory of what he has accomplished in life.

Alzheimer's Disease

AD will affect me. Whether or not I directly suffer from it one day, AD will play a large role in my life. The people I care about will suffer and at this moment there is no cure for it. It not only contaminates an individuals life, but also the people who love and care for that person. AD is not fun; but you don't have to take my word for it....


"I work as a caregiver specifically with people who have alzheimers and dementia and its quite sad. I see the beginning to the last stages. Nobody understands what the disease is like unless they know or are related to and know someone with the disease. it has taught me to appreciate my loved one because u never know if ur family could be next."

"My father is in the later stages and I too hope for a cure one day. It may be too late for him and it is awful and devastating but I hope not to have the same future or pass it along to my own children."

"Heartbreaking is the best word to describe this disease. To watch my mother deteriorate in such a short time is killing me."

"I can only hope and pray that there will one day be a cure or treatment that works effectively. My mother has Alzheimer's and I hate that have to watch her become a fragile shell of the strong independent woman she once was. I cry inside every day for her. And there is a gnawing coil of fear in the pit of my stomach, that I may one day share her fate."

"For the past several weeks, I've been on a search to help find assisted living for my best friend of 50+ yrs who has early onset Alzheimer's. She's 59 and has had it for probably 10 yrs. Once a newscaster, now she can't string 4 words together or get herself dressed. If there can be an "even worse", it's that many of the assisted living homes only take people 60 or 62 yrs and older. Talk about the proverbial rock and a hard place. And my friend's daughter, who's only 28 and newly married, is worried that she may too suffer from Alzheimer's in the future. I don't have enough words to express how devastating this disease is!!"




Because AD cannot be cured and is degenerative, management of patients is essential. The role of the main caregiver is often taken by the spouse or a close relative. Alzheimer's disease is known for placing a great burden on caregivers; the pressures can be wide-ranging, involving social, psychological, physical, and economic elements of the caregiver's life. In developed countries, AD is one of the most costly diseases to society.


I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I have to push on living without fear, but I must prepare myself for the hurdles that will come up in life from AD. I am strong and I surround myself with strong people. Together we will live life to the fullest; we will sing from the highest mountain tops; we will keep on the sunny side.

Step 1? Italy.

Hey Good Lookin

Super Mario Brothers.

Whatcha got cookin?

I'm feeling the need to get away. To throw my phone and computer far away and drive. Just drive with the windows down and the music blaring. The warm rays coming down through my sunroof and the countryside flying by....

Soon and very soon.

Appreciate

The sun never sets.

It is a constant struggle in my life to appreciate the things that I have. It isn't that I forget, I just move it down my list of priorities. I don't think it's sad necessarily, but it's something that when hardship overcomes the mind, we rearrange our priorities. I have many things that I constantly need to work on in my life, but at the same time I have to appreciate myself.

The mental struggle between a desire to get better and the desire to appreciate.

I am happy though and that's more than enough for me. I have great foundations in my life and for that and so much more, I am very grateful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=668WRa4C3RI

Memories

I think being around everyone made it better/worse. All the memories, stories, and little sayings just came back being in the familiar location and around familiar people. I really don't have much to say; I guess I'm at a loss for words.
This will be the first funeral I've been to in which I really knew the person. I guess it is all a bit numb.

A day Older

Castlewood mania. Not quite autumn colors yet.

When your mind isn't prepared for things seems to be when things happen. It is that planning that always seems wrong.
1/4

I am a firm believer that good things happen to good people and that karma catches up with everyone.
My thoughts are scrambled and my words make little sense. I need to form full thoughts in this next month.

Leaves that Breathe

Ciao!

So much to say and so little of it can I write.

Boulder is now more than a hop, a skip, or a long jump away with Autumn in the air. Sea Bear and Modena City Ramblers fill my brain. Exploration is what I desire but I know that it can also be my downfall. As we approach the edge of the cliff the sights are amplified in their beauty, yet the danger increases.

Nothing worthwhile and beautiful is safe.

A yellow pad of lined paper makes me think. It's not some game. This is life. The way I feel you cannot begin to imagine. A bird trying to fly with clipped wings. A damaged deer leaning on the highway median.
Do you hear these words I say? I am bent on them. I am an unstoppable train that will run over anything in it's path. I have my problems, but then again who doesn't? I realize what they are and I conquer. I am not backing down.
You sit on the sidelines watching. Afraid. You can ride your high horse, but I'm going where the horses can't. I'm my own type of animal...one you will never understand.

The unfinished work burns through my tables.

I've got fire in my soul and a melody in my head. I'm putting the two together so you can maybe one day understand. Not the whole thing, but just a piece because a little is better than nothing. But I'll give you this much to ponder. You hear these words and I am the happiest I have ever been.

714

Here we go again.

Dancing under the sun, our shoes are fun of sins. They pin us as liars, haters, and negative nancies, but our own sunset is what we see. It is the rhythm inside our heads that push us farther. They can't understand. They never will.
We speak a foreign language which humanity cannot comprehend. Because of this we suffer, but rising like the dough, our hot air balloon heads stay afloat.

To Kill A MockingBird

Pull me here, push me there. The way the wind blows through your hair. The same look I've always got. Rolling like tumbleweed through life. Who travels the paths of our lives before us? Tell me the name of the man who has beat the grass down which allows me to walk on my own feet. I am a boy, but I may not be your huckleberry.


People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~H. Jackson Browne

The wind whispers sweet songs, that only the dreamers can hear.
White clouds crawl across blue skies forever.
Ideas speak to my heart. Ideas, imagination.
Blown up fantasies of worlds that only a dreamer can see.
A hunger for truth. A desire for warmth. A dream...
A dream to feel the ideas becoming my reality.
A dream to sing with the wind.
A dream come true.
A dreamer.

Bulletproof

Favorite song of the summer so far. It's 80's delicious.
I've been burned by the sun; I've had acid thrown in my hand by my palm-reader; I've been picked last to play on the soccer team; but still I stand strong.
I'm listening to the bird sing songs right now and I could not be happier. Something about that voice...Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I'm right, but I have faith.

neglected

Dear blog, you have been neglected. It is not because I no longer like you...I am simply writing in other places. I will return to you shortly.

The Last Ride

The Infamous Joshua and Laura adventures in Kirksville Missouri have come to an end. In glorious fashion, we left our final mark on the city and closed the door on a chapter of our lives. Jesus signs, boxes full of trash being transported on the top of the tank, and of course laughing at people over Mexican food..... ahh the life we have led for over a year now.

Much like Wyatt and Doc, we are friends til the end. So cheers to you Kirksville; thanks for playing host to our fun. I will return, but things won't quite be the same.

Untitled

Watching the sun set, our national anthem is blaring over the hills. The troops march on and the beat of the drum is growing stronger. Can you imagine? Could you even imagine? This the battle. We are complex lives with small-town morals and big city dreams.
This May travel far far away to a place that you have never been. Dream outragous thoughts. Feel alive.

I have returned.
From outer-space.
The trees on earth seem so foreign now. The sound of birds chirping does not fade into the background of this moment; each song is bright in my mind.



if your favorite word is isthmus
if you love old water=logged newspapers
if your idol is Mark Twain
if you have dreams of playing poker with God and call his bluffs perfectly
if you love to look at trees through the flames of a campfire
if you dislike laugh tracks
if you love the feeling of peach juice trickling down your right hand
if you sway to country songs on the radio
if you sit in the driver's seat of a car with a girl in control of her life
if you enjoy sneaking around buying multiple packs of cigarettes at a time
if your biggest wound has come from a cigarette lighter in a purple dodge neon
if your friday nights consist of sitting on a porch listening to the crickets and your own thoughts
if you chewed on crayons as a child

then
you are Fernando

Battlescars

Good Ole Kirksville, Missouri...where it all began.

They line our lives, acting as reminders of the past. While some memories fade and dissolve, others never die. Tonight we toast to the forevers in life. No matter what happens, these things will not be taken away. Celebrate the past, present, and future with a kind heart.

A High School Feel

Butterflies.
They watch over us through the tough times in life. They flutter and fly. Their wings are soft and delicate. Soft to the touch, they hover above. They reside in my stomach.

The Stage is Life

Serene sounds steadily filled a saturated starry night.


Whispers and echoes of those whispers engulf the hallway. The magnitude of it all has the small child floored. Now collapsed on the floor, the room begins to twirl in the boy's eyes. Where is up? Right. Left. Up. Down. It all is inconceivable. Gathering every ounce of strength he has, the boy attempts to stand up with all good intentions. As his shaky legs elongate, balance is lost, and he becomes one with the floor once again. His intentions were good, yet the end result was not what he had hoped for. Panicked on the ground, the boy is left with no choice but to slow his mind. His breathing begins to slow, his mind relaxes, and slowly, but surely the hallway becomes stationary. Cautiously, he once again rises to his feet. His sweaty hands now press into the sheet rock around him. He must use what he can around him to give himself extra strength to continue down the hall. This strength will keep him moving until he is able to regain it himself.
He may not always be strong, but he surrounds himself with strong pillars and is always aware of their location and proximity.

My posts may be few and far between, but you know what that means. Words are always written in one form or another.

Peach Colored Walls

Life is best lived with a mix of caution and risks.

You placed that orange cat inside my car. Full of junk, the cat quickly hid in the backseat. A sunny fall day, those rays warmed my Honda. Windows were rolled down as we raced through those country towns with windows down. Hands out the windows with the radio cranked, we traveled far and wide. Singing to that new Jay-Z song, all our troubles were carried away by the rolling hills.
Parked in a dark lot, our hands, minds, and trust wanders. We search for connections. For something that just feels right in a world where so much feels wrong. Your eyes peer through the dark strands of hair with more meaning than I can put into words.
Back in your bed, your hand rubs the small of my back. I trust your hands; I trust your mind; I trust your soul.
It's at that moment of complete trust it hits me. The cat has been in the car for hours now.

Truth rests within our souls.

i have a feeling

Life is full of firsts. I have a feeling I will lose someone close to me very soon. He is in the hospital and my mind races around it all. I have never lost anyone to actual death yet.

Diced into Little Pieces

Use me. Unfold me and see what is inside this soul.

I'm sitting on my hands. Waiting for time to pass, but also trying to live each and everyday to the fullest. My life is full of hypocrisy.
Words seem old to me.
Thoughts are all Déjà vu.
I'm looking for something new.

Conquered Eyes

I look in your eyes and I can't imagine what it feels like. You are fighting the battle, yet your defeat is inevitable. As time passes, the memories of your life slip away. Your blue eyes are resilient, yet I see the glances of pessimism and sense of hopelessness. It is beyond your control and there is nothing you can do. There is nothing I can do.
I wish the sun could warm your mind. The bright rays could heat you up. Thawing you out from a cold winter slumber. The days of cold oil consistency are now gone; this weather should make your mind and body more fluid, right? I hope, yet I know my prayers will not be answered.

I don't get scared easily, yet knowing your pain leaves me frightened. Those moments where I get scared, I look to the stars. The moon shines down bright on my head, and that is the exact moment I know it will all be ok.
Your blue eyes now; one day my hazel eyes.

The Beautiful Nightmare

We sit in the dirty, dark part of this city.
Crime is sprawling around us,
Yet we sit here like angels.
What makes us different?

The man on the phone loves his job. The dangers he faces are outweighed by the good people he helps. He is simple, but has a simple, happy life. I love and appreciate that.


I may be a soul who has good intentions, yet my mind is mysterious even to me.
People read these words. They look into my eyes. They listen to my words. Yet who knows the real me? If you knew the real me, you may be scared.

Never a Dull Moment

we work our fingers to the bone only to die.
we slave over hot stoves to watch it all disappear before our eyes.
what will last in this world?
finding that out is something i yearn.

words are sucked out of blogs and into songs.

1-800-BETS-OFF

People who understand my situation and can refer me to free treatment facilities in my area.



Thank God. Because I have developed a habit of gambling.
I gamble with the relationships I form, the friends I make, and my life decisions. There have come to be very few secure things in my life, and so much chance. I don't think its so bad though. I live life by coin flips and what my heart tells me to do at any one moment.

I make mistakes. Yes.
But fuck that. It doesn't matter as long as a learn something. The life puzzle is being sorted out.
Edge pieces go in this pile. Red colored ones here. Green ones over there.

This is the story of our lives....I plan to make mine worth while.

February with you

We used to fly so high. Spreading our creative wings high in the sky, we ruled the day. Face the facts, we were legends of our stomping ground.
That was many moons ago. Now our stomachs are fatter, our hair-lines receding, and life is pushing us where it wants to.
What can inspire men to be their best and take chances? Who will judge us when we are laying in a ditch? Stories of the past brings smiles to our faces, but the tales of the future are like demons. They haunt us. They are in our nightmares, but always in our minds.


My blog bores me with no pictures. I must find a way to fix my computer.

Steamboat Willy?

A time to reflect on the past, present, and future.
This generation of momentary decisions, one-hit wonders, and cutting has lost sight in patience. We have become the ADHD generation. We lack a voice and give into the flow of media. We know and hear what we want to hear because it is easy to understand. Our open-mindedness is watching multiple youtube videos or television shows on the same topic and accepting homosexuals and getting rid of visible racism.
Read. Listen. Talk. See the people around you and make them think. That will make you think. Thinking is contagious. If we only watch and accept everything we see as fact, we sell ourselves short. Our generation is one that has so much coming at us, we often can't find time to research. It is time for change. It is time to have a voice of our own.

This past week I spent with my best friend David down in Gulf Shores. The place is full of characters who are trying to achieve a dream. In doing so, they talk, converse and seem to have their own opinions. The problem is they are old. Their generation questions everything and tries to come up with opinions that are new and unheard. Tugboat Willy was crazy, yes. But the man thinks and listens. He understands that the best way to make people think is to converse and not force-feed his opinion.

Years have passed and time slips by. We work towards building a life we are proud of and can make ourselves happy. My past is full of mistakes, but from them I have learned so much. I am not afraid to take a chance. I have the support to fail and the mindset to gain so much.
I leave you with love.

Don't Fall In

The night before trips I can never fall asleep. Instead I stay awake playing with fonts, pictures, and borders that combine in my mind. The problem is always getting them on paper.

Emotions are so funny to me.
So much I think I can't write. Access to this keeps my fingers shaking, not typing.

Standing Outside Your Window

For the past week I have been walking around with allergies in my pocket. Its the things bringing me down on a daily basis. The bottled up feelings, emotions, and thoughts weigh heavy on my mind.

Today I stepped out into the world and felt the sun on my skin. My eyes squinted as I looked up at the sun. I know its not good for you, but I wanted to see what was making me feel so good.

I like to think of myself as mysterious, but often I think that makes me close off my feelings. I don't feel like I connect with many people in the sense that I get to be myself completely. I need to work on that to accomplish my goals. I still let fear of the unknown hold me back and I have to keep working on that. I'm sorry to anyone who I have been reserved to. I'm working on it.


hi claire!

God's Favorite Number

Slowly it crawls down your throat. A slow seductive spread to your lungs. The oral fixation calms your shaky nerves as you lean hard against the brick wall.
Why do you need this? Why can't you just breathe deep and let the stress roll off your mind and fall to the ground?
Gentle souls breathe heavy on cold January nights. Your eyes tell the story of your past, present, and future.

Secret Princess Club

I'm still the giving tree. Throw it all at me, because I can take it. Your hateful words bounce off me because I know you. I know you are a scared child that is scared that someone can look into your eyes and know you. So it goes. I have no words of hate because I've got the peace within. I am practicing what you preached. I really do hope one day that you find the love.

The forecast calls for rain

"you need someone with passion and conviction who will take a chance"

I traveled up I-29 and you traveled down I-29. We met in the middle and exchanged glances. We both were nervous.
Now? Things seem different. Preparing myself for couch time again. I'm not scared, just prepared.

Eye's tell of what's behind

I travel at 76 miles per hour down interstate 70, headed eastbound. The fog is heavy and so are my thoughts.
My mind wonders about my future, our future, and everyone I knows future. My mind becomes a web that captures, distorts, and processes goals and dreams of different people.
I think about a certain one that makes me smile. The second my mind touches that thought, the car in front of me throws a lit cigarette out the window.

My eyes see fireworks.

A few minutes later my mind revisited that thought, and exactly on cue, that car throws another lit cigarette out the window.

My eyes see fireworks again.

Coincidence? Probably. At least I saw something so pretty.

our hearts; incognito

you never even knew it.

What makes you smile?

A late night of driving has left me smiling today. 8 hours on the road in exchange for 4 hours of your eyes was well worth it. I felt some sort of rebirth as my 1994 Honda Accord tore through the foggy night. I was born on a very foggy day in February of 1986. On a foggy night in January of 2010, I may have had an awakening that will refresh my spirit.
Some how it all feels like a dream. Your words written on that sugar packet are all the physical evidence I have to prove you are real.

Sitting on the Dead Sea

The ink on my yellow notepad is slightly smudged today. You might think someone who writes as much as I do would have a better understanding of how they feel and their emotions, but you would be wrong.

Last night my eyes would not shut
my mind was working overtime
your voice consumed my ears
the thought of you consumed my mind

you would be worth every ounce of effort my body could produce
your words have calmed me and given something to smile about
my lackadaisical approach may have caught up with me
a day late and a buck short once again

once again a lack of self-expression has left me frustrated and in tears
if you could just climb inside my mind
then maybe you would understand
all i can do is smear the ink on my pad because those words are not enough

if i could sing i would sing you the most beautiful song
if i could paint i would paint you the most beautiful painting
all i can offer is what you have got to know
the me that has made you smile and laugh at 4am is all i can offer

i sit here without any power to know if you are ok
i struggle with putting my feelings before yours
i just wish you knew
i just wish your heart trusted mine

i just wish....

Ups, Downs, and Away We Go

You may only have one chance. With that chance you will fail or succeed. I am hopefully prepared.
Ourselves are all we should ever be. Stay true blue.

You got it all wrong, do the twist

A mix of emotions and feelings run through my brain, but thats what happens when you take chances.
Like digging through the pantry knowing that you won't find anything appealing in there and then all the sudden you spot something. Your favorite food was hidden this whole time....now you look for the expiration date. All you can do is hope and pray that it isn't expired.

It is now weird using this as more of a diary than anything with my computer down for the count.

A Brand New Soundtrack

It's the eyes. I was completely wrong. It is all in the eyes.

An odd mix of slow motion and everyday flying by is occurring. I look forward to the days, the nights, and everything in between. This was supposed to be my 2 months of hell. Instead I have been given immense inspiration for each day. My feet float above the ground. There is an incredible amount of things to worry about right now, but it rolls off my shoulders as I am lifted up. I am terrified to mess up right now, and have so many questions about logistical things, but I have come to peace with it.

This could all be gone by tomorrow, but I have a feeling. I don't know. I can't explain this. The same stars are above our heads and the same melody in our heads. She is pushing me and I like it.

I need some knee pads

So my computer is most likely dead. Pictures, music, memories, and all my old schoolwork may be lost. Oh well. I'm not that upset really. Not at all.

Once in a great while something special stumbles into your life. It's not what you are looking for. Nor does the timing of it make any sense, but I am thankful.
What could it end up being? I have no idea. I am just excited that something has went in my favor. I feel very blessed.
Hopefully I will have more when I get work done on my computer. Hopefully.

Take care of each other; we're all we got.

Come Soon Month of March

Before you read this post, please go to the following link and set your speakers to a level of 24 or so. Make it so the song is the perfect level to blend with your thoughts and provide an experience as you read my blog entry. (All Nouvelle Vague is amazing)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CLN-2hwvBg

we could sit on a little boat in the middle of lake michigan. we could just sit there soaking up the late day sun.
i would bring a guitar and you could pack us something to eat. we could just sit there and listen to the smiles we give each other and the lake talking to us. we could question everything and still feel the comfort of each others presence. you would probably start humming a beautiful song, and i could add some harmony.
no desire to go back to shore. you and me will float the day away. you will sing for the stars and my mind will fight against time. no desire, ever, to leave.

Will you come with me? Sing a song with me.


Go see this movie. It really is that good.
Away We Go

Hello 2010. This is the future. This is the present.
I have decided against New Years Resolutions this year. They become plans, and frankly my plans always fall through. Instead I have my goals this year. I'm excited to flip the calender and face this new year of excitement, adventure, and uncharted waters.
Cheers